To you,

I was thinking of things and couldn’t really sleep. I hope you don’t mind me sharing with you, I’ll really love to be able to share with you things, kinda like for you to understand me more as well. And of course, if you have some inner thoughts or feelings, I hope of you to be able to share with me too.

It came across my mind that I’ve been having troubles with relationships. You, my mother, manager, friends, etc. Seems like from young till now, I aren’t able to manage a relationship well. That’s why I felt and don’t feel comfortable enough to put anyone in the close friends or BFF category. And perhaps it’s true, I’m afraid to be vulnerable, I’m afraid to be hurt, thus I choose to push people away. And you my dear, you felt the most because you were the closest to me, still.

I thought about why I love watching the return of superman show so much. I agree, it’s not productive, it’s just a reality show with dads and kids. But it warms my heart so so much. It fills my heart with so much love that I crave for. I love the triplets alot, and I’ve found the reason why. They are being brought up in a environment full of love, care and trust. And compliments. I kinda understand true love more from this dad too. He never expects anything from his kids. He’ll just be very happy when they can do something and shower then with kisses and compliments. It’s so real, and I think that’s what true love is. Putting in so much love, and not expecting anything as results. He taught me the importance of acknowledging and complimenting too.

And I think that is a solution to all relationship issue. Esp between us, we always felt unheard from each other. And if we could make that conscious effort to acknowledge and say that i hear you, you’re unhappy, and apologize for it in a nice tone. And make an effort to remember to not to do the same again, It will soften the atmosphere so much, I truly believe in that. And there wouldn’t be a need for us to go back to that same issue again in the future, because we were not felt clearly heard from each other.

Watching the show, makes me feel like having a baby. I’ll want to be that father who love and trust the triplets. Who shower the babies with compliments to let them know that they’re being love. And compliment them for slowly improving and being better growing up. All in all, I want the baby, with the husband I love, and whom love me too. Don’t take it too strongly, I honestly didn’t pray that it has to be you. I’m still conflicted, but I know I want someone who fits that above criteria at the end of the day. Though some parts of me is still hoping that it could be you.

I don’t really expect a reply or respond to this. After all its just my thoughts voicing out, and piecing things together. And understanding myself more, and learning to accept why I do the things I do…