To you,

I was thinking of things and couldn’t really sleep. I hope you don’t mind me sharing with you, I’ll really love to be able to share with you things, kinda like for you to understand me more as well. And of course, if you have some inner thoughts or feelings, I hope of you to be able to share with me too.

It came across my mind that I’ve been having troubles with relationships. You, my mother, manager, friends, etc. Seems like from young till now, I aren’t able to manage a relationship well. That’s why I felt and don’t feel comfortable enough to put anyone in the close friends or BFF category. And perhaps it’s true, I’m afraid to be vulnerable, I’m afraid to be hurt, thus I choose to push people away. And you my dear, you felt the most because you were the closest to me, still.

I thought about why I love watching the return of superman show so much. I agree, it’s not productive, it’s just a reality show with dads and kids. But it warms my heart so so much. It fills my heart with so much love that I crave for. I love the triplets alot, and I’ve found the reason why. They are being brought up in a environment full of love, care and trust. And compliments. I kinda understand true love more from this dad too. He never expects anything from his kids. He’ll just be very happy when they can do something and shower then with kisses and compliments. It’s so real, and I think that’s what true love is. Putting in so much love, and not expecting anything as results. He taught me the importance of acknowledging and complimenting too.

And I think that is a solution to all relationship issue. Esp between us, we always felt unheard from each other. And if we could make that conscious effort to acknowledge and say that i hear you, you’re unhappy, and apologize for it in a nice tone. And make an effort to remember to not to do the same again, It will soften the atmosphere so much, I truly believe in that. And there wouldn’t be a need for us to go back to that same issue again in the future, because we were not felt clearly heard from each other.

Watching the show, makes me feel like having a baby. I’ll want to be that father who love and trust the triplets. Who shower the babies with compliments to let them know that they’re being love. And compliment them for slowly improving and being better growing up. All in all, I want the baby, with the husband I love, and whom love me too. Don’t take it too strongly, I honestly didn’t pray that it has to be you. I’m still conflicted, but I know I want someone who fits that above criteria at the end of the day. Though some parts of me is still hoping that it could be you.

I don’t really expect a reply or respond to this. After all its just my thoughts voicing out, and piecing things together. And understanding myself more, and learning to accept why I do the things I do…

To My Toxic Half, This is my Final Bow and Last Goodbye

“You turned out to exactly who they said you were. I never pretended to be someone else. And it was me that was hurt…I know that guy is somewhere deep inside you, but, I can’t wait for him. Because waiting for you, is like waiting for rain in a drought. Useless and disappointing.” – A Cinderella Story

It breaks me to say goodbye to you. In fact, I wanted with every fiber of my being for us to make it. I wanted the words you say not to be lies. I wanted to prove that your reputation wasn’t what everyone said it was. I wanted everyone to be wrong about you.

And maybe one day they will be. Maybe I’ve given up too soon. Maybe one day you’ll be the man I pretended you were all this time. In fact, I know you will be one day. So maybe that’s why I hung on so long.

But I want you to know I forgive you for all of it.

But despite forgiving you, I can’t sit here and wait for you to become the person you need to be. The cost is self-destruction in the process. The cost is you hurting me to get there.

I can’t sit here and wait for the respect I deserved this whole time. I can’t sit here and wait to be loved, when I’m giving the best of myself. I can’t sit here playing a game. It’s like a game of Jumanji. Either something is going to kill me along the way, or I’ll finish.

I don’t have it in me to finish. And honestly, I think right now I’m living only half alive because of you. Cause you’ve chewed up and spit out everything I am. And I’m not the same person that I was before I fell in love with you. I didn’t know falling in love with you, would mean falling on the ground so often, only to be kicked every time I got to my knees.

I forgive you for your past mistakes. I forgive you for the person you were. I know you may not be him anymore or maybe you’re on the road to bettering yourself. But, that same toxic person turned everything black in its path, myself included.

I didn’t deserve to be used. I didn’t deserve being talked to the way you did. I didn’t deserve the fights and the screaming and the tears. While I didn’t deserve those things, I tolerated it. I tolerated it and in time it felt like a norm. That’s on me.

I valued the good days we had because I was so glad it wasn’t a bad one.

You kept me on edge though. You kept me walking on eggshells. I’d stare at a phone with bubbles that went on for minutes, only to have them disappear and nothing was said. It was like you knew I was staring at it, just waiting. Then I’d say something and you’d ignore me…Because I was inconvenient for you.

Do you know what was inconvenient for me? Waking up every night at 2am in a cold sweat, wondering what I’m doing in this relationship. But it wasn’t even defined as a relationship really. One day you liked me and another day you hated me. One day we were “just friends” and the next day you’d laugh in my face, saying we never can be just friends and I knew it. You were neither friend, but certainly a foe. Every sign and every friend told me to let you go.

Do you know what it’s like to look at someone you love, with all your heart and believe in them despite everyone’s doubt?

Do you have any clue how hard it is to walk away from the person you love most in this world?

You don’t, because you didn’t love me.

But mark my word one day you will.

You’ll learn to love me in my absence. And that’s the worst type of love.

Love isn’t pain. I know that much to be true. Even at your worst, I never wanted to hurt you. If anyone deserved pain, it might have been you. But I never wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me.

And I don’t think you saw the full effect of what you did to me.

I knew you were the one to blame. But you’d laugh when I’d say those things. You’d run off names of others in my past, telling me the only reason I’m damaged is because of them. It was almost like you were justifying your mistreatment, because others treated me bad before. You should have been the one proving to me, I didn’t deserve that. Then you said it was my fault. I might have been damaged by the others before you, but they never broke me the way you did. They never changed me the way you did. I overcame them, but I couldn’t overcome you.

I became so numb by you. I thought this was normal.

I want you to know I forgive you. I forgive the person you were, because I know you won’t be him one day. But the person you were burnt a lot of people. And you burnt the one person who loved you the most. You liked the attention. You liked knowing someone loved you, when you couldn’t possibly love yourself.

I want you to know, although you might have walked away from your past, even a past you run from, has a way of sneaking up on you. You think you’ve hid every skeleton in your closet, but eventually the past will come back to haunt you. It will ruin you the way you ruined me.

So run my dear. Run as far and fast as you can. When you get far enough, the ghost that will haunt you most, when you look back will be regret.

Remember, it’s a lonely road to the top, when all you’ve ever done is step on people like me to get there.

You kept pushing me time and time again asking if I hate you yet…I think I do.

I hate you for making me think this was normal.

I love you enough to hate you. Because hell that’s my only chance I have at overcoming you.

Taken from http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/to-my-toxic-half,-this-is-my-final-bow-and-last-goodbye

Safe haven

I started blogging on dayre.me because it was easy. Showed it to M because he asked, and it became not so private anymore.

It was meant to be a ranting ground. All my 委屈 goes there. And majority come from M. And then when he read he got affected. And we fight, or he harbours bad feelings. All are things that I wanted to share with you, but am afraid of.

So I guess WordPress, I’m back.

image

Brand new 2016

.Happy New Year cyber folks.

I was reminiscing a little, looked through a little in my couple blog with my ex-es. Apparently, life repeats in a cycle. I took my boyfriends for granted, I feel insecure, I wanted attention, love, needs fulfilled. I said I want to love you, looks like I’ve been saying that for a while now already.

2015, I didn’t knew what is love. I asked, but never really given. I was selfish, all I wanted was my convenience.

Love ; is really about bringing ease to your partner, thinking for your partner & doing things for him/her.

I’ve experienced this so called love from a suitor recently. It hit me so hard that I felt like I was some selfish bitch. Were you at that receiving end of my selfishness? Was how I felt then, how you felt always?

At least, that’s when I know, he didn’t love me like he confessed that he did. He just wanted me. Wanted me around conveniently when he needed someone to talk, wanted me around to always have someone to go out with, wanted me around to show him the love & concern as a partner.

How I know? Because that was what I wanted.

Thank you for this ambiguity, this i-don’t-know if we’re still together or really broken up. It gave me space & time to learn how to be alone and love myself properly. While knowing that you’re still there giving me a hand when needed.

Thank you for spending the last moment of 2015 with me, and thank you for ushering in 2016 with me, in bus overseeing the fireworks at Marina Bay Floating Platform. I do still feel your love towards me, this taking an extra step and helping me in work and in life.

I do still want to love you. But I hope this form of love, is the kind that really radiates happiness & glow from within you. Like how happy you were when you were chasing me and when we were initially together. That joy that I see from you, is priceless.

& I’ve learnt, there’s no point in hiding and fearing. Stand up for yourself, your rights, your desires.

Half year

In a matter of 6 months, many things happened. I’ve learnt that it’s often because of me, of my selfish needs and self prophecy cycle that harms the closest people around me.

Dillusional, thinking that steams from needs of security and onesided mind. My way is the only way.

Learning to accept of who you are and letting go of all the fake securities that I need to have. Committing to yours & ours best interests, surrendering myself to the higher being to help me when I’m stuck in my ego mind. 😘

Future 🔮

I do not speak flowery words, nor am able to coat my straightforward words with honey like you do. I have been too objective and unemotional all my life and this isn’t treating me well. Ignorance is never a bliss. Applied knowledge then is power. I want to be powerful and mighty. I will be up there and be very successful with pride and honour.

Heck, these words spent even seems coherent.  What thinking too much and worries does to me. 

It is precisely because it isn’t easy that it is worth it

image

First blog post in this year. And what makes me remember my WordPress is because I have many things to write, but didn’t wanted people on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram to know. And it just feel restricted!

Past months have given me the feeling of love. Much much much love that I’ve been wanting for the longest time ever. He gives me the kind of emotional support, reassurance, intellectual and spiritual growth, confidence, self worth, leadership that fits me.

Used to think that perfect fit is a cheesy phrase. I think for this relationship, it’s only fair to use it. Twin flame, soulmates, whatever you call it. Note that I’m not a cheesy person like this, and labeling a person until this extent took me really long of confirmation to agree on it.

True love. Something so precious that I find it deserving of our relationship. He brings out the best it me, making me the most real and true self that I can ever me. Likewise, I am too, to him.

What’s more we have the blessing of the sales legend. She, who despite of her really busy schedule, took effort to give me a really open and genuine advice. We treasure it. We give the commitment that we will, be that one couple that gives her hope that there is indeed a couple that can be happily ever after. Dawned upon me that during a colleague church wedding this morning when the newly wed were reciting the vow, it felt excatly the same commitment that we’re making. ♥

5 years of relationship that I give up, sadly it wasn’t even worth these months of intense growth. Fortunately it has taught me many things that I am still ad ever sincerely been grateful for. :)

///

Totally can’t wait for the day when we can officially declare this relationship. Finally, will be something that I’ll most probably exclaimed!  My closest colleague can even sense that he’s definitely the right guy for me by just meeting and talking to him once. Amazing isn’t it?

House, marriage. So so much motivation to do well! Time to go all out to prospect more! 💪💪💪